


If I'm So Special Why Am I a Secret? (Don't Call Me Crazy)

by lostandlonelybirds (RUNNFROMTHEAK)



Series: Porcelain Dolls [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics)
Genre: Abusive Bruce Wayne, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Based on a Melanie Martinez Song, Bisexual Selina Kyle, Branding, Bruce Wayne is a Bad Parent, Dark Bruce Wayne, F/F, F/M, Harleen Quinzel Needs a Hug, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, POV Harleen Quinzel, Past Abuse, Past Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel, Sad Harleen Quinzel, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22646605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RUNNFROMTHEAK/pseuds/lostandlonelybirds
Summary: She loves him, and she hates him.He promised salvation, redemption, and he gave her sin.(Or Bruce Wayne is the mask, Batman is the monster, and Harleen Quinzel experiences an identity crisis)
Relationships: Cassandra Cain & Harleen Quinzel, Dick Grayson & Harleen Quinzel, Harleen Quinzel/Bruce Wayne, Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Pamela Isley & Selina Kyle & Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Selina Kyle, Selina Kyle & Harleen Quinzel & Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Series: Porcelain Dolls [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629097
Comments: 10
Kudos: 91





	If I'm So Special Why Am I a Secret? (Don't Call Me Crazy)

**Author's Note:**

> Otherwise known as my continuous assault on N52 Bruce Wayne and the sequel to I See Things That Nobody Else Sees because everyone wants a sequel and my brain decided to ignore my homework.

Harleen Quinzel was naïve, stupid.

She wasn’t stupid in the traditional way assumed of those with a thick Brooklyn accent ( _the first piece of herself she threw away when she became a psychiatrist, the first piece of herself Joker gave back_ ).

She was stupid in the way an optimistic politician was – not world-weary, not cynical, too _trusting_ , too _forgiving_.

Perhaps that’s the lure the Joker had held for her, along with his charm.

His cynicism, the violent, chaotic wisdom about him that was _fun_ and _playful_ and things _Dr. Harleen Quinzel_ couldn’t be, but _Harley Quinn_ could. He’d seen the worst of the world and laughed at it, mocked it openly, bravely, in a way _Harleen_ couldn’t, in a way she’d admired.

_“So Doc,”_ he’d said, arms bound behind him as he leaned forwards, a shark-like grin on his crimson lips, “ _What’s your vice? What’s your **sin**?”_

She still shivers when recalling the danger in his voice, the _sex_ and the _desire_ ( _Harleen had never felt more desirable than in that moment_ ).

“ _Pride I suppose,”_ she’d responded, brushing a stray hair from her eyes, “ _I’ve always been too proud.”_

And her pride was what had led her to him, to _Harley Quinn_ , where her path had gone astray.

“ _Liar.”_

She’d thrown him a shy smile, glancing up through her lashes.

“ _What’s my vice then, Mistah J? What’s my sin?_ ”

( _Her first mistake was slipping away from Doctor Harleen Quinzel’s persona, away from the carefully crafted professionalism into something more personal, intimate. Her second mistake was offering him an in, a chance to tell her what he wanted her to see_.)

“ _Lust,” he’d announced, voice dripping with the aforementioned sin, “You’re a passionate creature, fiery and chaotic. My perfect match, my **Harlequin**.”_

And by the time he leaned forward again, her lips were already pressed against his.

Harleen Quinzel died, grieved by no one, least of all the woman born from her ashes.

Harley Quinn was everything _Harleen_ could never be, everything she’d _wanted_ but been too scared to _take_.

Even when her relationship with Joker had gone up in flames ( _or a literal rocket, that he’d strapped her to, she supposes it’s one way of breaking up_ ) she was grateful for that death, that loss of pathetic naivety and perfectionism.

After all, if she hadn’t become Harley Quinn, she’d have never met _Bruce._

**_Caught the teacher giving his eyes to a student  
Pouty, pretty, cute and she bit her lip back to him_ **

****

She’s been drawn to Bruce as long as she has the Joker, perhaps longer. She remembers the spreads in magazines like _‘Playgirl_ ’ when she’d been in High School, remembers caressing the glossy pages endowed with his image even as her cheeks lit up.

She’d been no less attracted when she’d met his alter-ego alongside her then-lover, when she’d seen the way he looked at her, even as they fought on opposite sides of the law.

The drawn-out stares, feeling like a caress on her bare skin.

The cursory glances, fast, almost fast enough to miss ( _but slow enough to make it obvious he wanted to be caught_ ).

**_Chewing on her nails and her pens while she's dreaming of him_ **

So she flirted back, biting her lip and running her eyes up-and-down, lingering on areas she wanted to touch, to scratch, to _mark_.

‘ _It’s harmless,’_ she’d tell herself, laying next to her sleeping Puddin’. ‘ _Means nothing._ ’

But things changed when the Joker did, when she started noticing the bruises she’d always painted over on auto-pilot, when his love became more _violent_ and _hard_ and _cold_ ( _or maybe it had always been like that, maybe it had always been just her in their relationship, and she’d been too caught up in the **Joker** to see the man behind it, ~~or see that there was nothing but the Joker~~_ ).

“ _Did you ever love me,”_ she’d asked him, tears streaming down her face with her caked-on makeup ( _loving him even as it hurt, even as he laughed while the rocket counted down_ ). “ _Even for a minute? A second? Or was this all a game to you?”_

( _and she hates her love in that moment, hates him_ )

“ _Oh Harley,”_ released like a sigh, as if her pain annoyed him, inconvenienced him, “ _You have a **lot** to learn about men, kid. I’m more of a solo act, and honestly, you get on my nerves.”_

The sound of his laughter as she departed had been more painful than the landing, more haunting.

She sometimes wishes he’d shot her instead, killed her, like he had killed her innocence ( _but he hadn’t killed her innocence, not by himself, she’d been his accomplice and a willing participant. He’d manipulated her, sure, but she’s come to peace with her own darkness, her own sins_ ).

 ** _  
_**It had been Batman that had found her, carried her to the Free Care Clinic and sat by her side as she healed, and cried, and grieved.

“ _You’ve committed great evils,”_ He’d said, voice gravely through the modulator. Her lips had wobbled, tears still streaming down her face without any chance of stopping.

“ _I know.”_

The words felt damning, as painful as any part of her break from the Joker.

“ _Do you regret it?”_

She’d thought about the lives she’d taken, the children ripped from mothers, the innocents and the guilty and the blood coating her hands and her Puddin’ ( _as she made love and he fucked her until she bled, in a bed of lies and a house of horrors_ ).

“ _Parts_.”

She remembers the white eyes of his mask fading, remembers a beautiful blue filling her vision. It looked like life, like a future ( _things she hasn’t thought about since she’d thrown away hers, things she hasn’t worried about since red and black covered her skin and white painted her face_ ).

“ _I want to help you, Harley. I think you can be more than just the Joker’s ex-girlfriend, more than a murderer. I think you have potential; I think you can be redeemed.”_

( _and it was like Joker’s speech, talking of her inner strength or inner desires, but it was different too. Joker spoke of sin and chaos, of flesh and heat and letting go. Batman spoke of hope and redemption and everything she’d given up with Harleen, everything the Joker had taken when he’d given her Harley Quinn._ )

“ _Please,”_ she’d whispered, feeling her mind begin to fade, “ _Help me_.”

He’d kissed her forehead, gently, lovingly.

It felt like a promise.

It felt like hope.

****

**_And he's fucking in sin (you know he is)  
  
_ **

It’s hard to pinpoint when his guidance turned to his love, when his hands began wandering, freely.

He’d wanted to help her, had set her up with a therapist and a job as an online psychiatrist. He offered his company, his support, even words of encouragement dropped just a note lower than his normal timbre.

“ _You want me, don’ ‘cha?”_ She’d said one day, suddenly.

His pupils had blown wide open, as if on Ivy’s pollen, but he hadn’t been.

“ _I do_ ,” He’d responded in a tone that sent shivers down her spine, a tone that spoke of _lust_ and _desire_ ( _like the Joker’s own seduction, so long ago, but different, because Bruce was different_ ).

There hadn’t been any other words spoken that night, beyond her screaming his name and him whispering hers into her skin, longingly, _lovingly_ , and achingly sweet in a way the Joker’s touch hadn’t been ( _the Joker’s love had been violent, chaotic, and she’d gotten off on it, loved it, like any part of him. She hates it now, just like she hates him_ ).

Bruce made it seem like it was her choice, from the first touch to the first kiss to the first _fuck_ , soft and gentle and loving, full of praise even as his eyes sat cold and a little dead ( _like her Puddin’s, but different still, or at least she’d convinced herself it was different_ ).

_~~None of it had been her choice, it had all been his, a grand illusion, a greater seduction.~~ _ ~~~~

****

**_She said "it's for all the right reasons…”_ **

She feels _safe_ in his embrace, _secure_ , even as Selina smiles on his arm and Ivy looks at her in disappointment, even as Bruce’s daughter’s eyes hold hers ( _‘Cassandra Cain,’_ she thinks, ‘ _Child abuse victim, mute until recently._ ’) a moment longer than necessary, calculating, and she holds her breath like that alone can hide their affair, their _affections_.

_~~Because Harleen Quinzel was naïve and Harley Quinn was dead and she’s somewhere in between them, lost and uncertain, but well aware that the Bat’s caress was not his love.~~ _ ~~~~

“ _What about Kitty?”_ she asked one day, thinking of her friend’s scars and bruises Ivy had been tending to, of the love in her eyes when she spoke of Bruce, even as she cursed his name

Batman glares at her, and Bruce fucks all thoughts of his fiancé from her head. It’s then she starts seeing the difference in Bruce and Batman, in the man and the mask ( _but she doesn’t know **which** is the man and which is the mask, who is real and who is false_).

**_  
Baby, don't care 'bout grades, just call me your lady  
If I pass this quiz will you give me your babies?  
Don't call me crazy_ **

****

She aches for the acknowledgement of their relationship at times, for a label or a public statement or _anything_. She feels dirty after a while, feels unclean as Selina hugs her and Bruce fucks her and Ivy glares and Cassandra _stares_ … She feels guilt, and she _hates it_.

She hates the fact that her words of love to Bruce go unreturned, kissed away ( _like with the Joker_ )

She hates the pain in her chest as she reads the papers on her friend and Bruce, sees the fake smile Bruce gives her too, the grin hiding anger and darkness ( _like with the Joker_ )

She hates that Bruce calls her crazy when she asks him if he cares for her, that she has to ask for affection and that it seems so _fake_ even as she forces herself to believe it’s _real_.

**_  
You love me, but you won't come save me  
You got a wife and kids, you see them daily  
Don't know why you even need me  
  
_ **

“ _I care for you, Harley, but the press can’t connect me to Batman, you understand, right?”_ and she nods, and smiles, because that’s what Bruce expects and what Batman demands, ( _her compliance, her submission_ ).

And she cries when he’s not there, when Ivy comes over with judgement clear in her eyes and she watches him from a distance, watches the subdued attitude in his children, sees the bruises covering his eldest son’s face, (‘ _Nightwing,’_ she thinks, and some of his body language suggests child abuse, or abuse period, but _Bruce isn’t the Joker,_ so it can’t be true).

Then she sees the slump in the youngest posture, watches him flinch at his father’s touch.

“ _Bruce is a mask,”_ Ivy says, eyes glowing slightly as she squeezes Harley’s hand hard enough to _hurt_ , “ _Batman is real, and he’s a **monster**.”_

Harley denies, because she’s supposed to, and she watches the bodies pile up alongside the bruises.

**_  
Teacher's pet  
If I'm so special, why am I secret?  
Yeah, why the fuck is that?  
Do you regret the things we shared that I'll never forget?  
Well, do you? Tell me that  
  
_ **

They fight, and they scream, and things aren’t as perfect as before. Harley wants Bruce to acknowledge her, wants to stop _lying to everyone_ , to stop hurting Selina, even if her friend doesn’t know it…

Bruce yells, and Batman marks her ( _a brand on top of her tattoos the Joker had designed, a sign of ownership rather than love, and she’s not naïve enough to mistake the two any longer_ ) and she cries. She cries to Ivy, her only friend she can be honest with, and she cries more when Dick looks at her with pity, and when Cassandra averts her eyes.

**_I know I'm young, but my mind is well beyond my years  
I knew this wouldn't last, but fuck you, don't you leave me here  
  
_ **

“ _I want to leave him, but I can’t.”_ Selina confesses to her tearfully one day, a sentiment Harley silently echoes. “ _I can’t leave him, and I hate it, hate him, but I love him too. God, I hate him.”_

She hugs Selina tight, hiding her own tears in the cotton of her friend’s hoodie.

She doesn’t say anything, but Selina’s used to her silence now, they all are.

**_Teacher's pet  
If I'm so special, why am I secret?  
  
She's feeling like a spider in a cage  
You liar, you were her desire  
  
_ **

Bruce’s ‘love’ begins to feel like a prison, as her anger an resentment grow, as she sees the parallels between the Bat and the Clown, as she sees the matching brand on Selina’s shoulder ( _the symbol of the bat, a symbol mark those that are his to love and his to hurt_ ).

She loves him, and she hates him.

He promised salvation, redemption, and he gave her sin.

She tries to break it off with Bruce, and Batman doesn’t give her the choice.

**_Now she wants to light you on fire  
But fuck it, she'll still give you a call  
And a lighter when you wanna get high  
And mess around 'til you get numb  
  
_ **

She’s never called sex with Bruce or Batman _making love_ , because she knows better. Sex used to bring her to life, used to make her see stars and feel love swell in her heart…

Now it’s numbing, painful almost.

It’s violent and rough and cold.

She gets high before they fuck, and it doesn’t change a damn thing.

She hates Bruce, and she loves him too.

**_  
She said "it's for all the right reasons  
Baby, don't care 'bout grades, just call me your lady  
If I pass this quiz will you give me your babies?  
  
_ **

**_Don't call me crazy_ **

**_  
You love me, but you won't come save me  
You got a wife and kids, you see them daily  
Don't know why you even need me"  
  
_ **

She’s never understood why Bruce chose to take her, to mark her as his. Was it because he could? Was it because Selina told him not to?

**_  
Teacher's pet  
If I'm so special, why am I secret?  
Yeah, why the fuck is that?  
  
_ **

**_Do you regret the things we shared that I'll never forget?  
Well, do you? Tell me that  
  
_ **

**_I know I'm young, but my mind is well beyond my years  
I knew this wouldn't last, but fuck you, don't you leave me here  
  
_ **

Even as she curses his name, she screams it in ecstasy, she kisses it into his scars and lets him mark her in return. Harley’s afraid of being alone, so in love with Bruce that it hurts, so in love with the _monster_ that had taken the piece of her Joker had.

She thinks she’s broken.

(She thinks everyone Bruce touches is)

**_Teacher's pet  
If I'm so special, why am I secret?  
  
Give me back my money  
Didn't learn a damn thing, honey, from you  
  
_ **

She wishes she’d never met Bruce at times, wishes she’d never donned her jester outfit and never powdered her face in white.

She feels tainted by Joker, and she feels tainted by Bruce.

(She doesn’t feel hope when she sees his blue eyes, not anymore)

**_Except how to lie and cheat while inside the sheets  
Stop calling me "your bunny"_ **

**_  
I won't hop and you don't own me  
Do you? I bet you think you do  
  
_ **

**_Well, you don't_ ** **_  
  
_**

Harley knows she needs to leave Bruce, to leave this toxic relationship painfully paralleling her relationship with the Joker, but it’s _hard_. It feels like ripping herself apart as she packs her things, it feels like being tied to a rocket as she lets Ivy pull her from the apartment Bruce had bought her.

No matter what the brand on her thigh says, she’s not _his_.

And she’s not the Joker’s either.

She doesn’t know who she is, but she knows that much.

**_  
Teacher's pet  
If I'm so special, why am I secret?  
Yeah, why the fuck is that?  
Do you regret the things we shared that I'll never forget?_ **

**_  
Well, do you? Tell me that  
  
_ **

**_I know I'm young, but my mind is well beyond my years  
I knew this wouldn't last, but fuck you, don't you leave me here  
  
_ **

**_Teacher's pet  
If I'm so special, why am I secret?_ **

****

‘ _Fuck Batman,’_ she thinks, looking back at her apartment.

‘ _Fuck me,’_ she thinks, letting Bruce pull her back in with kisses and reassurances.

Harleen Quinzel was naïve, stupid.

Harley Quinn was desperate, needy.

She likes to think she’s neither of them, but she’s really both of them.

(Because she’s broken, and above all else, she’s not _hers_ , she’s Bruce’s)

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
